There has been a strange feeling inside, which is tightening its grip off late. It’s a sinking kind of feeling. I’m finding it quite difficult to articulate, but I guess I must do so. Let me trace the various strands, which may be the causes.
- There is a substantial lack of enthusiasm. Not about anything in particular, but generally a lack of enthusiasm. This state seems to be similar to the time, when after about a decade of working and being ‘successful’, there wasn’t much to look forward to. Linear progress on professional and personal fronts wasn’t exciting.
- Most reasons, for which we happened to walk a path less trodden, seem almost irrelevant. There is no flaw in the thought process for eg. good food, good habits, lead to good health, stress-free state of mind, which further leads to a great environment for children to grow up in. There is no denying these facts. But these reasons are not complete. Perhaps there is an agenda, which is yet to be realized. At least, it appears so. There has to be.
- The path of the mainstream surely is not an alternative. The possibility of walking that path again is far more depressing.
- I’d expected our altered lifestyle to have some influence on people close to us and others as well. Though this was not the purpose for altering the lifestyle, I must accept that there was some anticipation. For example, I’d anticipated that many people will seriously try to understand our approach with regard to children. If we were to invite people to let their children live with us, there would be at least few parents, who would seriously consider it, at least for few months or years. But as it appears today, we’ve been largely forgotten.
- Many times, I feel as if I’m dead and I’m watching the world, people known and unknown and the lack of impact of my death. True, no one is indispensable, but so inconsequential? The claps of the applause and the voices of encouragement, which pepped us up during the first year or so have all died out. Everyone has gotten back to work.
- As I write this, it strikes me that all this anticipation about the influence over others was always supposed to be incidental and not the main purpose. But the fact is that this incidental impact is also important. I do realize that it should not bother me. It does not really bother, but does result in this sinking feeling.
- Another, quite similar fact, which keeps playing on my mind, is that the social standing of people like me is absolutely unacceptable. It appears to me that I’ve slipped in hierarchy and am on the sidelines, whereas I’d expected to be of help to my peers, friends, family and other hitherto unknown people.
I have no clue, at all, about the way out of this state. There is no intellectual understanding, which is lacking. The lack of influence and the slipped social standing is a reality and I must accept it. Till the time this acceptance comes at a very deep level, I guess this feeling will remain.